Can't sleep; spiders will eat me!

There's a spider in my room! I tried to kill him earlier but he escaped!

Then I saw him again and psyched myself into smashing him but he was only injured! And he fell down, all alive and shit.

AND NOW I LOST HIM.

GUYS I AM TOO YOUNG TO DIE OF SPIDER EATING ME OKAY. I can't sleeeeeep and I've been awake foreeeeverrr.

plzplzplz spider, crawl up the wallllll okaaaay? I know it's just so I can kill you, but really, I mean, it's a mercy killing, right? Put you out of your misery? Cause I maimed you? PLEASE DON'T COME FOR ME WHILE I'M SLEEPING OKAY? PLEASE? I didn't mean for you to be only mauled and not dead. That doesn't sound very reconciliatory at all does it. Okay, um I MEANT to trap you in a glass and put you outside but you were in the corner in a way that made it impossible why don't you crawl up on the wall so I can trap you and set you freeeee, outsiiiiide where there's suuunshiiine and bugs?

Okay? OKAY?

*sobs*



I KNOW I'M BEING UNREASONABLE I KNOW I KNOW. BUT I AM REALLY TERRIFIED OF SPIDERS AND I CAN'T SLEEP IF ONE IS LOOSE IN MY ROOM. I AM SO TIRED. I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP. BUT I CAN'T: HE WILL EAT ME.

Current Mood: scared

This is delicious:



They didn't have it in the solid perfume at the store, which made me sadfaced.
I can't find one of my Lush solid perfumes. That worries me. I hope it didn't fall in the trash. It is so small.

I'm so exhausted and in so much pain, I can't even do things like play games.
I feel like I can't even focus enough to read a book. I feel like I need to go back to sleep. But it'd be again! For the jillionth time today.

What do you do when you're too broken to do even the stuff you would normally do when broken?

Post inane stuff on LJ?

I guess.

Current Mood: exhausted

Is this not a weird picture of me or what?


My eyes are ...alien.


But this is a weirder picture...I look CARAAAAZYYYY:


(see how much pride I have here? plz, look at how weird I am)


But I wanted to show my MAKEUP!


I had so much glittery golden makeup on it was awesome. Well. I thought so. I probably looked like a hoar in real life but whatevs. Today I did an even cooler job of makeup (no gold glitter though) but no way did I want to freakin' bother with taking a photograph of it.


Okay, so the wedding and stuff, amite? I'm soooo tired so, this i what I have - there's more but I don't have it yet.

It's cut but only because it's all pictures.

( Yay, pictures! )

I'm so overwhelmed by how awesome it all was. How much effort and thought and planning and love and everything was given by everyone. It was so much wonderfulness.

Today it was another pretty day, and I said, oh, no, I can totally pump myself full of drugs and go outside and play, it will be glorious. Sadly, no, no amount of drugs could make me as functional as I wanted to be, when I had been so very overdrawn on spoons to begin with.

But it was all worth it. So very worth it.

Oh well, tomorrow I promise to do nothing but rest and possibly play my RP game. Maybe not even that depending on how my hands feel or how much fog I have.

Edit: Cleaned some stuff up for clarity; I wrote that post under the influence of zolpidem. Har har. But really, I'm still so happy even though I feel as if a truck has run me over, backed up over me and run me over again. It's an unbelievable amount of pain, but I am happy anyway.

I will go rest now.

Current Mood: tired

Not only did I get re-proposed to, I got surprise re-married.

What I thought was a normal and fun 10th anniversary party turned out to be my second wedding! At some point during the party, iheartiheart pulled me into the bathroom and put a veil on me and gave me a bouquet. Then she seemed to indicate I ought to stay put in the bathroom and left and as I peeked out, my dad was there waiting. Waiting to walk me down the stairs, to where outside under our lattice covered in our kiwi vines was Matthew in his (original, that he wore during our first wedding reception) zoot suit (minus the jacket and hat), my mom was singing "At Last" (which if I recall correctly was mimsy and ibexris's song), all our partygoers and tylerpierce as officiant. He said something veryvery short (which, I mean, that's what I wanted the first time around and didn't get) and then we took pictures and eventually went back upstairs to feast on cupcakes, look at our wedding album and watch our wedding video.

Man. Oh man. Man oh man oh man.

Maureen and I sat and drank our (yes our, that is our) champagne and made fun of the incredibly, incredibly long ceremony. When I was planning our wedding, this is what I wanted: "Do you? I do. Do you? I do. Man and wife." What we got: "Blah blah BLAH blah crazy fucking vows blah BLAH blah BLAH BLAH BLAH holy shit where the fuck did these vows come from these are insane blah blah BLAH BLAH BLAH (goes on for an hour)." Some of those vows I heard and I turned to Matthew and I was like, "Sorry dude, that totally didn't happen."

And then I saw my grandpa on the video, in the parts where the videographer asked our family for advice to give to us and I cried like a baby because I miss him so, so, so much and even typing this out I start to cry again.

I ran upstairs to clean up my raccoon eyes even though I heard that next up was the song my dad and I danced to and I really wanted to see that.

When I got back downstairs, my dad was waiting down there to dance with me again. And I started crying again and this time it was mixed; sad because I love and miss my grandpa and happy because there was my daddy, wanting to dance with me again. Even though he really doesn't dance. I love my daddy so much.

Everything was truly fantastic.

People should have eaten a ton more, but that just means I get to eat me some more hummus (and make myself sick on it like I did tonight dear god oh but it's so goooood) and cupcakes (no someone please stop me I cannot eat another cupcake, I can only handle half a cupcake at a time but I keep eating a WHOLE cupcake and that's just not okay)! Oh dear lord it was so freaking fantastic.

Everything. Everyone.

iheartiheart, I heart you (I heart I heart) you for doing so much to make it possible and for being my surprise maid of honor.

And matthew, thank you. I certainly haven't got the words.

I am sure pictures and possibly more commentary may follow.

Current Mood: loved

Current Mood: loved

Wendesday was pretty freakin' great.

Monday was hard as hell. Dr's appointment and they drew blood. Some days are better than others for handling it. No one seems to truly understand what I mean when I say I have a "textbook phobia of needles." Seriously. I mean, full panic: sweating, sobbing hysterically, fight or flight response (I have had a doctor chase me down just to give me a tetanus shot), hyperventilation, etc.

If I take enough Xanax, I can handle it ok. But yesterday was still hard. Only three vials (usually I get a lot more taken) because I didn't have much tested. But I started to hyperventilate anyway. The nice phlebotomist made me sit and stay sitting and gave me apple juice to drink and wouldn't let me leave till I was truly ok.

Then I got home and after a while I just started .... well, I can't call it true real crying. Tears started coming out of my eyes, and they would not stop. I just cried and cried and cried and cried, but it wasn't sobbing. It was just endless tears. And I was so thoroughly exhausted, I could hardly stand it. Everything hurt so bad, Xanax or not... Yeah. Harsh, harsh day. Matthew was soooo nice to me.

So this morning Matthew made me coffee and breakfast (again, soooo nice), and I went to my therapist's appt. It was ok. I'm so really really depressed lately that it's hard to focus.

But she helped me realize an odd thing... this may require some historical explanation. Since I've been pretty housebound and sometimes unable to wash my hair for way longer than I ought to or shower or whatever because if I showered just because I "ought" to then I won't be able to when I NEED to, and I've been recognizing more and more how to respect those boundaries my body is trying desperately to set for me. But, yuck! So I tend to wear this terrycloth robe a lot. I've had it for yearsandyearsandyearsandyears. It is literally so beat up there are holes everywhere, it's threadbare in several spots, it's a wreck. It looks like shit, I look like shit, etc. And I don't have enough bras that I could wear one every single day of the week without having to do more laundry than I'm physically capable of either, and god I hate going without a bra. Combine these two and not only do I FEEL gross, I feel like I LOOK gross, too. I feel like a slob!

So my therapist is all, you need more robes. Pretty ones. And bras. More bras. Lots more bras.

Hmmm, says I. And pajama bottoms. I like those. I really have.... not any just... random comfy clothes. I just don't. Eh. So anyway, I drive down to the mall to see what I can see.

AND LO AND BEHOLD IT IS NORDSTROM HALF YEARLY SALE.

First on the list which wasn't on my list at all akchully is sandals. Hell yes, finally replacing my ... my.... 12? 15 year old? Tevas. And then another somewhat dressy sandal that will go with...frak, anything. I was so stoked. (OKAY I KNOW I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY FOR IT SHUT UP IT WENT ON A CREDIT CARD......ha.)

Then as you can see by the photograph of my fingernails each a different color, I went over to the Chanel counter to paint my nails one of everything that looked new/interesting. The one on my thumb was actually really cool but another glittery one that ehhhh... the tone didn't go so well. I liked it but not as much as that bright pink. Which they were out of. The blue satin was phenomenal, though. I really like dark fingernail polish after I get repurpled because the dye stains my fingernails and makes them look gross, but polish them with something dark and no one is the wiser. :D

So then to the LIN-JUR-EEY section, where I found more bras than I thought I would. One of them was actually a) not black b) really pretty! So I got three more bras (this means I have four comfortable, properly fitting bras!), two lightweight robes that were on sale, then headed over to the cafe for lunch (also pictured previously, chicken cilantro salad MY FAVORITE).

Then I walked arounnnnnd the mall, heading for Starbucks to refill on go juice, ACCIDENTALLY FOUND AN AWESOME BLACK WITH WHITE STARS FACEPLATE FOR MY G1 OMG!! ...sat down at a table, took a picture of my crazy nails, let a chick borrow my pen while I looked up movie times for Star Trek, farted around on my phone some more. Got my pen back, told the stupid-ass vendor chick in one of those stupid booths that for the second time, NO I NEVER EVER STRAIGHTEN MY HAIR. I do not want to buy your stupid flat irons. (I wanted to ask, "Did the first purple, curly haired girl also say no?")

Had to pee so I went in Nordy's (yay, I hate that the NG mall only has one bathroom way way way south), accidentally bought some REALLY sparkly new MAC makeup stuff that I am totally looking forward to with my last gift card (which now has like three dollars on it).

Went to the cobbler to see if they could recommend a new insole for my darn boots, but they were out of my size. Went to Lane Bryant to check out the pajama bottom sit-choo-a-shun. Nothing to speak of, but some adorable bras there that they never ever ever have in my size. I don't understand how they can serve 14-16 but never have bras that will fit someone that size? But really, it's getting too difficult to shop at Lane Bryant... there's hardly ever my size there. I ended up getting a dress that will be nice for summer, but it's sleeveless. I hate that. Put some sleeves on that shit, people. So I got a shrug or whatever they're called, too. I dunno if the two go together or not but eh. They didn't have my size of the shrug I wanted.

Rambling about shopping. Anyway...got my nails done at one of those little "NAILS HERE" places or whatever. Shitty. Seriously. She ground away on my nails with the coarsest emery board, zig zagging back and forth. My nails didn't need much filing at all, and she just made them jaggedy. And she used 100% acetone as nail polish remover and omg ouch. Holy crap ow. And hardly a word of english ever. But whatever, someone else painted my nails and it was cheap.

Too bad it's already chipping. :P

Went home, hung out outside with Matthew and the birds, showed off mah stuffs, ate some sammich, then ran out and saw Star Trek again.

God do I love it. I love it so good.
Matthew's like, when does the next one come out?
And I'm not sure I want another one to come out. It was just so amazing, everything about it was amazing and fresh and fantastic. It was perfect. Just leave it right where it is. I'm leery of an attempt to continue if it's not going to be as great as this one was.

I brought my tissues so I could cry like a baby because I am that way. "I have been and always shall be, your friend," totally freakin' ended me both times. BWAAAaaaaAaaa. Tissues on standby, captain.

It was fun to see it with someone who hadn't seen it before. Anyone else not see it yet? After I recover from the Next Big Thing (anniversary party wooo), wanna come see it with me?

I may also possibly have to re-watch more Star Trek in general, the movies and show. But ...who knows. I make a lot of 'should do's. :)

And I did laundry so I could wear my new robe today! It looks and feels pretty much just like a wrap dress. All stretchy and comfy.

I wish I could take a photo of my phone with my phone. :P

My phone is pretty great but I find it does kind of suck me in. It's hard to ignore the ability to be connected to the internet (not just webpages, but twitter, IM, SMS (which I had before on my old phone of course, but ... somehow this one makes it even easier), publishing pictures directly to my journal (o hai)... blah blah blah. It's just too easy to get caught up in fiddling with it when I should be, uh, oh, I dunno, enjoying the outside world.

I'm in so much pain today I can hardly move. That's okay. Yesterday was just full of awesome.

Current Mood: exhausted

This. Really.

EDIT: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA This posted to livejournal. THAT IS HILARIOUS. I was farting around with my Android phone and an app called....uh, called... what ... something. Pixelpipe. Right.


Anyway, it's supposed to be entitled, "UH, how the fuck does this camera wo--oh, shit, it just took a picture, didn't it?"

In reality, this was never supposed to be posted to LJ, but instead to a Flikr account I made. I have NO idea how it ended up here, so uh... I guess I ought to... figure out how to use that app, huh?

W and mom and I were going to see Star Trek together for my birthday today. He says, call me. I do, and he asks me what I was doing and I tell him mom and I were getting a bite to eat and then wanting to see the movie. He says, I'm on my way to see the movie. Me: ... Him: yeah, have to meet C at 6, so that's not going to work for me. No happy birthday, nothing like that. No phone call to say, hey getting antsy, when are we going to see the movie? No.

I feel so hurt by this.

I don't know what to do. I am not asking for advice, just venting out my heartache. It's hard to love someone and be willing to do anything for them but it not being recriprocated.


Later: OMG THAT WAS AMAZING LIKE WOW BLOWN AWAY AWESOME.

I want to see it several more times. Omg. Omg. Omg.

Before the party:




OMG HOLY SHIT I AM WEARING A MUSTACHE AND APPARENTLY THIS IS REALLY SURPRISING TO ME:

Current Mood: happy

Try to let your emotional side take over today -- it is stronger than ever and makes all the right choices. You may find that some friends or family members are a bit overwhelmed by your display.

Irrelevant; I have been sleeping nearly all day. I wake up and lately it seems an hour after I take my pills I become so dizzy and sleepy I can't keep my eyes open. So I go right back to bed only a couple of hours after I wake. I sleep for three or four hours or even more. Then I wake up and go, buh? Day? Where did you go? And then probably stay up all night. And... it's dumb.

Anyway. So there's no day for my emotional side to take over. But I thought it was interesting for them to note that friends/family may be a bit overwhelmed by my display.

Truth: It seems I usually hold it all in so well that if I ever let a drop of emotion out, just a drop, people freak out. I am told to calm down, to chill out. All my life. And it seems not just friends and family, though it's most unpleasant when they react this way, but everyone everywhere seems to instantly cringe away from displays of actual emotion.

Is this because I keep it bottled up so much, or is it because society expects us all to keep it all inside all the time and can't tolerate what it terms as 'outbursts?'

I have had maybe...one or two people ever who could take nearly any natural expression of emotion I had. I don't have anyone now. Including/especially Matthew. It used to be a big conflict for us: I fought for years for my right to react to something in a way that was natural to me instead of making myself a pressure cooker. I tend to 'overreact' in the first thirty seconds to something or whatever... like oh my god how could I express a moment of panic, worry, displeasure, anger? The 'over' reaction never lasted, though. It always transitioned to rationality soon enough. I never stayed 'irrational' for long. I put this shit in quotes because it's so much a subjective judgement call people make on me instead of dictionary definition.

But people act as if it is a danger when someone outwardly reacts in a way that possibly reflects the way they are inwardly reacting. I have no idea why people think it's less dangerous to stuff all your emotions inside over and over and over and over again with no outlet for them.

I mean, does no one associate the supposedly "unexplainable" violence like "going postal" with the pressure to keep everything tucked prettily inside where no one can be offended by it? Maybe it's an intellectual connection they make when the event occurs, but it doesn't seem to translate into a society overall more accepting of showing something other than a blankly polite expression in the face of all kinds of stuff? I mean, really.


I realize I am more emotional than a great majority of people... if it were a scale of one to ten, I would definitely be a ten on the scale of emotional capacity. But seriously. My friends and family are almost always overwhelmed by nearly any display of emotion. Is my definition of "display" different or what?

Meh. I'm out of words and I have no motivation to proofread and properly edit this post. Have a word salad.

Current Mood: pensive

Yaaaay.

Birds and I sat outside today.

Lots of valuable mental health lessons lately.
So much, so little to say.

I escape reality a lot.
So far, so good.


Heard from lawyers, my hearing for disability determination will not be for TWENTY to TWENTY TWO months.

I'm glad I am blessed to be one of those people who has someone else on which to depend. Were I disabled on my own with no recourse of any sort, I would be homeless. I am a very bright, talented woman with tons of skills and a sharp work ethic. I work hard when I can and I want to work hard.

But even with all that, if I were alone in this world, without family or friends, isolated as many with mental illnesses often are, I would be on the streets. It is because of the privilege of my family, privilege of my class, privilege of the color of my skin, of the chance of circumstance and fate...that I am not one of the many on the street that so many despise without ever taking the time to perhaps...empathize.

Matthew supports me entirely now. It is a very difficult thing for me to accept. I used to be fiercely independent and I made all my own money. In fact, when we were first together, I supported him. He was still in school and I was working my tail off. I personally paid for the majority of the wedding and honeymoon. I bought my own wedding rings!

If I were without Matthew, or if Matthew lost his job and could not get another, or if my mom and dad were not still alive and in the area and willing to help me out... and, really, I have a ton of family who would help me out. This is not something everybody has. But if I were without them... and I had to wait for years... and didn't have insurance... DOT DOT DOT.

That they take so long to approve it, that they work so hard to deny me... when I worked my ass off to pay into this system in the first place specifically for such a situation as this... is so frustrating. I'm so frustrated.

I try to spend as little money as I can. My hair is a big expense, but it is one of the single most important things to my mental well being - it is the one thing about me that I like without reservation. In a new life where I struggle with feelings of worthlessness and depression, to look in the mirror and say, DAYUM GIRL, YOUR HAIR LOOKS FINE! ...well, fuck, that is sometimes the line between 'one more day' and 'where the fuck is my zolpidem, xanax and vodka.' DRAMATIC, I KNOW. But true. Were I not to have just one thing to like about my body, I am not sure what I would do.

It would be nice, though, to have that disability money to pay for my prescriptions - even with insurance, it all adds up very fast and some months I spend as much on pills as I used to pay for my first car. :P I also see my doctor once a month, plus parking, plus whatever deductibles and lab fees. I see my therapist who is not covered by insurance every two weeks (boy do I need the hell out of that). It would also be nice to start incorporating more helpful treatments into my life. A very compact exercise something or other. An electromuscular stimulation unit (GOD that was SO HELPFUL to me, but I cannot drive that far anymore). Water therapy, sometime. OR, just transportation to get all those places. Driving is...just...not really okay anymore.

Anyway, blablabla. I will see none of that for 20-22 months, IF I win my case. IF. EYE EFF. IF. Who knows what the judge will say?

In the meantime, I'll just... keep...trying, I guess.

prettyh, Thank you for your present of Hope. :) ♥


ETA: I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THAT I FOUND TWO GREY HAIRS. ONE LAST NIGHT AND ONE TODAY. I told my stylist to look for any grey hairs and tell me if she found any. She said she didn't find one, but after the dye, I looked in the mirror and there was one RIGHT AT THE FRONT. It stood out from the rest of the dark purple hair, all sparkly sliver. OH MAH GAWD.

Current Mood: tired

Dave Kellett absolutely nails the truth of it here.

(If you don't read this comic every day, you're missing out.)

Current Mood: amused

I was theeeeere for this. And it was aweeeeesome. And I ♥♥♥♥♥ him. Squee.

SQUEE.

I look so terrible in this picture but I DON'T. EVEN. CARE. I gave myself as may chins as possible and squinchy eyes, but WHAT THE HELL EVER.



So happy.

The BSG panel was fantastic, Aaron Douglas is hilarious, a show stealer. Matthew and I laughed like crazy people.

Wil Wheaton's panel was beyond fantastic. I've read all the stuff he read, since it was from Happiest Days of Our Lives, but I can't tell you how much more awesome it was to hear him read these stories. Oh man. He is just so funny and so real and so... a prince among men, surely. I wish the world were filled with people like him.

Wish I had the energy to say more, but I just don't.

Loved David Kellett. Wil Wheaton equals awesome. Aaron Douglas is hilarious. I wish I even knew what to say to people, you know? So exhausted and in so much pain. I lie down.



That right there was one of the reasons I became an Aaron Douglas fangirl.

Current Mood: exhausted

I joined twitter.

Why did I do that.

I don't even know. BUT THERE IT IS. If you want to follow/be followed, comment.

I WILL NOT BE POSTING MY TWEETS HERE. Have no fear.

I may or may not have joined twitter in order to increase the amount of fangirling I do. It's not like I have real NEWS or anything. My day is usually all, "I'm tired." and "I ate food." and "I went downstairs." and shit like that. Super boring and not even remotely tweetable, but what the hell. Whatever.


Edit: Comments are screened. Feel free to give me your twitter name. I'll follow you!

Current Mood: silly

Things I did today that were SUPER AWESOME:

1) I got to meet Dave Kellett of Sheldon Comics and he was SO awesome... I didn't have any of his comic books themselves so we bought all six and he put sketches, for free, in ALL of them. I was floored. I thought, oh RAD I get a sketch in a book! Thinking that one was all I would get. But no. ALL of them. ALLLLL OF THEMMMM.

Honestly, I got more fangirly about Dave Kellett than I did about my beloved BSG stars. The only reason I wanted tickets in the first place is because I saw the ad at the top of the Sheldon webside. And it had Tamoh Penikett. And I was like, ooOoohHh! But meeting Dave Kellett and watching him make personalized sketches in each of his six books was way more awesome, actually.

2) I got Aaron Douglas's autograph! He played Chief Tyrol on Battlestar Galactica. It was thirty dollars so I had to choose which of the three that were there (Tamoh Penikett, Aaron Douglas or Michael Hogan) I would fork out money for... And I picked Aaron Douglas. I got up there, right, with the photograph, and ...didn't know what to say. Oops? I was kind of nervous, unsure why; these people are just people. But they're people I don't know, so how would I know what to say? So I was an awkward dork. But it was nice anyway.

Things I hope to do tomorrow that will be SUPER AWESOME:

1) Go to the Battlestar Galactica panel.

2) Go to the Wil Wheaton panel. Perhaps meet him and ask for an autograph on my copy of Dancing Barefoot or buy a copy of Sunken Treasure if he still has them to sell. I really hope he has some left to sell.


I. Am. In. So. Much. Pain. But worrrrrth iiiiit. Matthew had ordered a cane for me that was due to be delivered in time for ComiCon but they lost the order which is just so frustrating. There were many, many times I needed it and I am kind of over trying to pretend I don't.

We ate at the Cheesecake Factory (shut up, I like the BBQ ranch chicken salad and it was right across the street) afterward and had strawberry shortcake for dessert. Oh my god that was the best tasting thing I could possibly think of to have. It was so good I overate. I hardly ever truly overeat, like, ever. W and I go out, and afterwards he keeps saying "OH MY GOD I THINK I'M GOING TO BORCH" and I keep saying, "Nyah nyah, I'm not!" He eats his entiiiiiire dish and I eat like a quarter of mine. :P But I totally ate half my salad and half (or more than half!) of that strawberry shortcake. De-smegging-licious.

I'm getting ready for bed now, gonna take pills soon and get up early to get to the BSG panel. I have no idea how long I will have to wait in line. I will get there an hour early and hope to fucking god that's enough because I don't know if I could stand waiting in line any longer. Note to self: Bring something for entertainment. Probably do NOT bring computer. Bring...something else. GEE I WONDER IF THERE IS ANY READING MATERIAL AVAILABLE AT COMICON.

Anyway, woo!

Current Mood: happy

Unrelated: Thank you to everyone who offered me your kind words and support regarding my post about being turned down on my request for reconsideration.

Things may not be great, but I am still learning many things and exploring the very concept of hope within myself.

Current Mood: hopeful

A Ken Arneson said on Galactica Sitrep...

Fascinating. The fans here are splitting into factions over season 4.5, just like the characters are. Back when there was a single mission, Find Earth, everyone marched more or less in step with the leaders' vision. . . .

( Continued under cut for semi-spoilery info for those who have not watched all episodes of BSG until this point. )

So say we all.

( The point? )